3 months old

Dear Little One,

today marks three months since you first entered this crazy world, and I find myself still staring at three giant screens fighting through the matrix of laws and regulations for the job that I hated but still managed to plague me for far too long.

funny isn’t it. a job I hate but still with it, and not with you. but here I am, giving it a shot, because in the end I hope it would help me to make ends meet, so that you will have more options in this world than me.

you deserve nothing less.

you should know that when I first held you in my arms, I felt something shift inside me. a part of me woke up, a part I didn’t even know was asleep. you were so small, so fragile, and suddenly the world seemed a little bit brighter, a little bit more full of hope. but with that hope came an storm of guilt.

i’ve made more mistakes than I can count, little one. i’ve spent too many nights chasing an elusive happiness, running from one fleeting moment to the next, convinced that the next high, the next success, the next person would finally fill the void inside me. And in doing so, I’ve neglected the people who matter most. I’ve neglected your mom, and by extension, I’ve neglected you.

i want to be honest with you, little one. i’ve screwed up. big time. More often than I’d like to admit. i’ve missed moments that I can never get back, lost time that I should have spent with your mom and you. i’ve been selfish, chasing my own dreams and desires, believing that if I could just still manage to bring home more foods, or promotion, everything else would fall into place without me being in the picture. but that’s not how life works, is it?

you deserve better. you deserve a dad who’s present, who’s there for all your firsts, who can show you the world not just through stories but through lived experiences that he will be brutally honest with you. and I promise you, i’m trying. i’m trying to be that dad. i hope one day, when you’re older, you’ll understand. i hope you’ll see that despite my many, many flaws, i’ve always loved you.

Happy three months, little one. Here’s to many more together.

Love,

Dad